First series trailer.
Nick and Sally’s commentary:
“Sally! That awful showrunner woman didn’t use any of the artistic nudes I took of myself when she wasn’t looking! Bloody Philistine!”
“Oh… well, I’m sure it’s just that YouTube doesn’t allow that sort of thing.”
“Well, they should!”
“Yes, Mr. White.”
“How else are we supposed to get ladies excited to watch the show if we can’t show them the goods?”
“Oh, I don’t know, Mr. White, but I think the show creator said something about running ads?”
“Hmph… and I never did get the 8-ball of cocaine I demanded in my rider, either.”
“Should I call your dealer, Mr. White?”
“Yes, damn it!”
Music credits
I used an instrumental mix of a track from my back catalog from my old maQLu project called “Au Revoir, Goodbye Little Whore.” I can’t remember if I have it up anywhere as a free download currently as I was unsatisfied with the original lyrics and wanted to redo the song, but there’s a bunch of other free maQLu downloads available.
Transcript (ie, spoiler alert)
(We see Nick on stage.)
NARRATOR: Nick White has never had a #1 hit single.
(Cut to Nick on a sofa backstage with groupies. We bounce back and forth between the stage and the backstage footage for most of the trailer.)
NICK: That’s not true! My 1987 song “Boucy Tits” went to #1 in Italy and West Germany!
(Screeching/rewinding sound effect and an overlay saying “TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, START AGAIN.)
NARRATOR: Nick White has never had a #1 hit single anywhere that matters.
NICK: Hey!
NARRATOR (hissing): Shut up! We’re not starting over again!
NARRATOR (normal voice): Nick White has never had a #1 hit single anywhere that matters, but he’s never let that get in the way of having a good time.
(Montage of booze, cocaine, Nick’s drunk driving, Nick banging groupies, etc.)
NARRATOR: But how much rock n roll degeneracy can one man stand?
(Back to Nick backstage with groupies.)
NICK: Lots! Now, can I see your tits, darling?
NARRATOR (hissing): Shut up!
(Montage of Nick on a magazine cover, posters of his on a wall, Nick holding a gold record, then a shot of Bono with an armful of Grammys with Nick off to the side with nothing.)
NARRATOR (normal voice): And after more than 40 years in the biz, Nick White is about to find out that you can’t always get what you want.
(Back to Nick backstage with groupies.)
NICK: Yes, I can! And I told you that’s Mick Jagger’s song. Mine is the 1984 hit “I Want Them Titties, Gimme Gimme!”
NARRATOR: Was yours a #1 hit?
NICK: Well, no, but—
NARRATOR: Didn’t think so.
NICK: Oh, shut up. It was #2 in Sweden!
NARRATOR (hissing): Yeah, whatever, who cares?
NARRATOR: (normal voice): Stay tuned for the Nick White Show. Starring—
NICK: Me!
NARRATOR: —Nick the Narcissist, and a bunch of poor saps who have to put up with him.
(Montage of other characters including Nick’s various staff members and his wife.)
NICK: Hey! Don’t waste valuable trailer time talking about the peasants!
NARRATOR (hissing): Shut up!
NARRATOR (normal voice): Coming soon to YouTube.
(We see a closing montage of still shots of Nick on stage underneath various show URLs and info screens, with the rest of the dialogue as voiceovers.)
NARRATOR (hissing): Not that kind of cumming, gawd… Put your pants on!
NICK: That’s it? Where are the tits? I was promised if I showed up there would be tits!
NARRATOR: No, you weren’t.
NICK: Yes, I was!
NARRATOR: Well, your manboobs must be at least an A cup by now.
NICK: How dare you! And my manboobs don’t count! Why are you such a bitch? Are you on your period? You can still blow me when you’re on the rag, y’know.
(Fade to black.)