The Nick White Show: “Nick’s Ukrainian Adventure”

From the video description:

Nick is thrilled with the “Ukrainian visit” video Pádraig helped him make, but will his manager and publicist approve?

Nick and Sally’s commentary:

Mr. White, why is there a UFO in your visit to Ukraine?”
“Well, Sally, because that’s where UFOs come from.”
“Really? I thought they came from outer space.”
“Common misconception, dear. I used to think that too until Pádraig set me straight.”
“Oh…OK. Well, I guess as the director of the video, Pádraig knows best.”
“Yes, he knows so much more abut that sort of thing than I did. For example, did you know the IRA are sending lady mercenary units to fight in Ukraine?”
“No, I never heard that, Mr. White.”
“Me neither! See, Pádraig has all the insider information to make my Ukrainian war video so much more realistic than bloody Bono’s!”
“Er… yes, Mr. White.”
“I mean, sure we shot it all in the studio 2 live room, but I felt like I was really there on the front lines. I’m hoping from now on hot young bimbos will fall to their knees to thank me for my service. And then offer me their services.”

Music credits

I used an instrumental mix of a track from my back catalog from my old maQLu project called “Au Revoir, Goodbye Little Whore.” I can’t remember if I have it up anywhere as a free download currently as I was unsatisfied with the original lyrics and wanted to redo the song, but there’s a bunch of other free maQLu downloads available.

This episode also features a chunk of “Petroleum Jelly Oil Slick” from Tailchaste, one of those weird instrumental/experimental albums I originally did for my old radio show on CiTR. It’s available as a free download here.

There’s also a MIDI version of the Irish national anthem I whipped up, but I haven’t bothered to post it for download, just wanted it for the one gag in this video.

Transcript (ie, spoiler alert)

(Grainy footage as if done on a dying VHS camcorder and played on a TV that’s been drop-kicked a few too many times. We see Nick sitting in his Ferrari in front of a green background.)

NICK: Vroom, vroom, vroom… are you getting this, Pádraig? Remember to add in the explosions and whatnot in post!

(Suddenly there is stock footage of atomic bombs going off behind Nick where the green wall was. We also hear explosions and gunfire.)

NICK: Oh, no! The Russians are getting closer! I must stop this damnable war!

(Three blondes appear in bikinis with coconut bras and glittering faux-grass skirts, dancing in hula-like poses.)

NICK: See, this is what we’re fighting for, so that… uh.. line!

PÁDRAIG (off-screen via a walkie-talkie): So that Ukrainians can live free to hula dance in peace again.

NICK: Yes, what Pádraig said about their hypnotizing native dances.

(A glittery silver UFO swoops in and hovers over Nick. Then we are suddenly inside the UFO and 3 bimbos wearing alien masks surround Nick, plastic lightsabers at the ready. Nick is bent over a coffee table with his pants down.)

NICK: No, no… stop, I must save Yugoslavia from… wait, what’s his name again? Pu… Pew… Pewdiepie? No, that’s not it… oh, yes, now I remember: it was George Bush…

(The middle alien rams her light saber up Nick’s ass. Nick screams. We fade to static and then we see the slapfighting scene shot in last week’s video.)

NICK: Now, ladies, there’s no reason to fight like this. There’s more than enough of me to satisfy you both!

(Girlie, in the Ukrainian flag bikini, charges him.)

GIRLIE: Fuck you, Brit boy!

(She kicks him in the balls. Nick falls to the ground.)

NICK: Oww!!!! Fuck!!!!!

(We cut to a shot of Pádraig holding a sign saying “RISE FOR THE IRISH NATIONAL ANTHEM OR ELSE YE BASTARD,” then cut to Nick on his knees with his hands behind his head, surrounded by 6 girls in orange and green bikinis and IRA-style black hoods. Three hold signs: “BRITS OUT OF ULSTER NOW OR THE ENGLISH PIG GETS IT!” and “UP THE RA” and “TIOCFAIDH ÁR LÁ”. Two have guns pointed at Nick, and the last girl holds a knife to Nick’s throat.

NICK (voice-over): I’ll never forget the dangerous time I spent in this sadly war-torn country…

(We cut to a montage of Nick banging chicks.)

NICK (voice-over continued): but what I’ll remember the most is the warmth of the people of… um… Pádraig, we’re supposed to be in Uruguay, aren’t we?

PÁDRAIG (off-screen via a walkie-talkie): Ukraine, ya dope!

(We now see Nick standing between two bimbos in grey bikinis matching what the alien girls were wearing but with no masks. They’re in front of the green wall again.)

NICK: Oh, yes, that’s right. There. Anyway, war is bad, give me money, I promise I will make sure it finds its way to deserving Ugandans.

(Nick puts a $20 bill into one of the bimbo’s bikini bottom. We cut to a scene from the UFO wherein one of the alien girls holds up an arrow sign saying “THE END” and points it at Nick’s bare ass as he’s bent over the table. Then we fade to static. This ends the grainy footage segment.)

(We zoom out from the back of the TV in the strippers’ changeroom at Lucky Luigi’s Lingerie lounge and see Nick and Pádraig sitting around looking at the TV along with Nick’s manager Zosime, who he still calls “Suzy,” and his publicist Carol.)

NICK: I think it’s rather brilliant, don’t you, Suzy?

ZOSIME: I can’t wait ’til you’re dead so I can sell your lousy music for use in adult diaper commercials.

NICK: Speaking of shite, it’s a shame we weren’t able to film the mud-wrestling scene. Bloody Richard wouldn’t move his shitty old BMW!

ZOSIME: You disgust me.

NICK: Carol, darling, send this to CNN right away.

ZOSIME: We are not sending this garbage to CNN! It’s the fakest thing I’ve ever seen!

NICK: Yes, Suzy, that’s what CNN specializes in: fake news. Carol, sweetheart, also send it to Fox while you’re at it.


NICK: Headline… uh… let’s see here: ‘Gorgeous ‘80s rock icon Nick White risks all to rescue ravishing Ukrainian beauties.’

CAROL: Nope.

NICK: Make sure to mention that the 40th anniversary reissue of my hit album Snatch-Ri-La is out now and available in a special limited edition pussy-pink vinyl version.

CAROL: Uh-uh.

NICK: Oh, and don’t forget to put a link to the merch store and mention that all panties are half off this week. Especially the “Nick White Was Here” crusty cream pie design for ladies’ thongs.

CAROL: Not happening.

NICK: See, Suzy, I told you I’m working on bringing that money in. And I’m waiting on Sally to finish writing my autobiography so we can get the pre-orders going on that, too.

(Nick pauses.)

NICK: You know, Carol, I think this might just get me a Nobel prize. Or even an Oscar! Take that, Bono!

ZOSIME: You’re an idiot.

CAROL: And a sociopath!

NICK: Now, ladies… Do you mean to tell me there wasn’t a single part you liked? Not one little bit that filled you with joy and hope for the future?

ZOSIME: OK, fine. I liked the part where the slut kicked you in the balls.

PÁDRAIG: That was me own idea!

CAROL: Really? Speaking as his publicist, I thought the bit where the alien tramps rammed a light saber up his ass was far more satisfying.

PÁDRAIG: That was me own idea, too!

ZOSIME: He didn’t scream loud enough for my liking in that part.

CAROL: Hmmm… I guess you have a point.

NICK: See, I told you it was brilliant!

CAROL AND ZOSIME: Shut up, pig!