Meet Sally Hernandez

Note from April 2023: I intended to get all these interviews with music “journalist” Ginger Babczak shot and posted before getting into the real skits of the show, but it didn’t pan out that way and only the first two in the series with Nick and Pádraig ended up getting made. So, rather than drag it out when the show’s been underway for over a year now, or spend time on shooting and editing these old interviews rather than new skits, I decided to just post them as text.

Basically: some background info and extra jokes on the characters. And I backdated these to when they were scheduled to appear originally.

Why no commentary from Nick and Sally on these interviews, unlike the videos? Well… you really think Nick can read? LOL…

Enjoy… I hope… and of course the standard show disclaimer applies…

(Sally and Ginger are sitting in the Studio 4 live room of Nick White‘s Starboard Sound, Ginger on a chair and Sally on a sofa. Sally is constantly looking towards the doors and through the window to the control room, worried someone might hear her saying something bad…)

GINGER: Tell me about yourself. How’d you get in with Starboard Sound?

SALLY: Well, it was actually by accident. My friend Vicki heard through the grapevine that they were looking for a receptionist and she managed to get an interview somehow. She asked me to come along for moral support, but then I guess Mr. White thought Vicki was just a groupie and I was the new receptionist and he just would not listen when we tried to explain, and then he insisted I read him his email while he trimmed his nose hairs. I’ve been here ever since.

GINGER: He… trimmed… his nose hairs… during the interview? Eww…

SALLY: Well, it is his studio. It’s his home away from home. And it’s not like Mrs. White ever gives him a moment’s peace to do that sort of thing when he’s at his house home.

GINGER: Still… that’s so gross. Why couldn’t he wait and do that after the interview?

SALLY: Mr. White is a very busy man.

GINGER: But weren’t you grossed out by that?

SALLY: No. Well, I mean… I was a little surprised, but then again, it’s just the way they are here. Halfway through the interview Mr. Browne came down from the upstairs mix room complaining about having gotten a fresh dose of crabs from a prostitute and wanting to know if Mr. White had any of that special shampoo on hand.

(Ginger stares in abject disgust a moment.)

GINGER: Charming.

SALLY: You get used to it. I’m afraid Vicki didn’t find Mr. Browne all that charming, though. She slapped him when he asked her if she’d like to slurp the crabs off of his… well, you know.

GINGER: Can’t say I blame her.

SALLY: Yes, Mr. Browne’s a bit of a… hmm… well, my abuelita would call him a “joto chingado.”

GINGER: Sounds about right.

SALLY: Oh… Hablas español?

GINGER: Not really, but I took it in high school and me and my friends memorized all the swear words.

SALLY: Oh. Um… don’t tell Mr. Browne I said that.

GINGER: Don’t worry, I won’t. Wouldn’t you say the same applies to Nick, though?

SALLY: Oh no, Mr. White is very sweet. He can be a little… well, I wouldn’t say thoughtless but I suppose “distracted” would fit better. But he means well. He’s certainly very good to me… though to hear my sister Alba talk about him, you’d think Mr. White was the second coming of Rafael Trujillo.

GINGER: Um… who? The only Rafael I’m familiar with was a ninja turtle.

SALLY: I think Mr. Trujillo was a bloodthirsty dictator somewhere. I’d never heard of him, but Alba got a degree in Latin American history before she decided to go into finance.

GINGER: Ah, gotcha.

(Sally looks nervously at the camera.)

SALLY: Um… you’ll edit out that little joto chingado thing, right?

GINGER: Huh? Oh, sure. Of course.

SALLY: Oh thank God.

GINGER: But I mean, he kinda is.

SALLY: Well, I mean, my abuelita would certainly say so. And Alba. But I wouldn’t want to offend Mr. Browne.

GINGER: Certainly not.

SALLY: Y’know, I come from a strong Catholic family, with the whole “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” sorta view.

GINGER: But your abuelita would say otherwise?

SALLY: Well, yes, but she’s the matriarch. She’s allowed.

GINGER: What about Alba?

SALLY: Alba’s… well… I don’t want to say Alba’s rude, because she’s really not, she’s just very protective and she has such strong opinions and…

GINGER: And her opinion of Richard is also that he’s a joto chingado?

SALLY: Well, I’ve never heard her say that, exactly… but this one time I’d forgotten my purse at her place so she brought it over and Mr. Browne was around in the lobby being all… well, Mr. Browne is very… Mr. Browne, and Alba called him a “pinche joto,” which is kinda the same thing.

GINGER: What does Alba think of you working next to a strip club?

SALLY: Oh, she’s all for it. After all, it means that the guys from the studio tend to be over there and out of my hair at least half the day. And y’know, people tend to look down on exotic dancers but some of them really are very nice people. They’ve just led troubled lives thus far.

GINGER: You’re good friends with Atlanta, aren’t you?

SALLY: Oh yes, Atlanta’s become one of my best friends since she started working at Luigi’s 3 or 4 years ago. I know I can always count on Atlanta for thoughtful advice, as well as a good deal on organic mota for Joel.

GINGER: You don’t smoke it yourself?

SALLY: Oh no, I don’t like the smell. But Joel finds it helps him relax after a long day of being pelted with spitballs for trying to get freshmen interested in Chaucer.

GINGER: Ah, the joys of high school…

SALLY: Actually, Joel’s a grad student teaching assistant at Carrington University.

GINGER: Oh… they still do the spitball thing after high school?

SALLY: On a good day, yes.

GINGER: And on a bad day?

SALLY: One time Joel said they tried to light him on fire.

GINGER: Jesus…

SALLY: The faculty advisers can be quite harsh, yes.

GINGER: What? This was the faculty? Not the students?

SALLY: Well, yes. The students are all busy sleeping or SnapChatting. If they even show up.

GINGER: Yeah, I’d light a bowl if I was Joel, too.

SALLY: Atlanta says Joel’s her second best customer after Mr. White.

GINGER: How is the whole sobriety thing going with Nick? Didn’t he have court-ordered rehab after his most recent DUI?

SALLY: Oh, that was 7 months ago. Ancient history.

GINGER: I thought the paper said he has to give urine samples for drug tests for the next year.

SALLY: Well, yes, but fortunately my sister Carolina is a strict teetotaler and health nut.

GINGER: You and Carolina are helping him cheat the drug tests?

SALLY: Look, Mr. White needs to unwind. And we certainly couldn’t ask Mr. Browne or Mr. Johnston to pee in the cups for Mr. White. Even Jason likes a beer or 5 at the end of the day, and forget about Pádraig: he pees pure Jameson! And we can’t use mine because I’m on the Pill and then they’d know Mr. White had help.

GINGER: But Carolina’s not?

SALLY: Oh no, she’s married and she loves babies. She’s had 4 so far and the 5th is on the way now. Which, incidentally, we found out thanks to Mr. White’s latest test. Isn’t that wonderful?

GINGER: Um… sure… well, you mentioned Pádraig, so let’s go with that. How do you get along with him?

SALLY: Oh, Pádraig is such a kindhearted man.

(Ginger busts out laughing.)

GINGER: You must be joking.

SALLY: No, not at all. It just goes to show how you really can’t judge a man by his family connections to IRA terrorists or even his own “Bomb the Brits” tattoos.

GINGER: He called me an Orange English bitch.

SALLY: Oh, he didn’t mean that! He calls Paris a filthy English whore all the time, too. And he calls Atlanta The Dancing Nazi just because her grandpa von Hertzog happened to show up in Buenos Aires in the fall of 1945. Pádraig’s just teasing.

GINGER: Does Alba have an opinion on Pádraig?

SALLY: Oh yes. She says he’s cute for a gringo, she thinks his accent is muy sexy, and she’s very impressed by his vast knowledge of investments, tax loopholes, and black market profiteering.

GINGER: Too bad he hates non-Irish people.

SALLY: Oh, don’t be silly; Pádraig’s no bigot. He’s said many times he feels a strong kinship and solidarity with us Mexicans since we also had our lands stolen from us by imperialist invader pigs and then we fought and took our land back. Just like the Irish. Frankly, he seemed a bit disappointed when I told him I don’t think our family actually has all that much Aztec or Mayan in us, I mean we’re from Jalisco originally and that’s on the other side of the country from the Mayans and Aztecs. But Alba knows more about all that than I do.

GINGER: How do you get along with Paris?

SALLY: Paris is such a kind-hearted girl. And I can relate to her always having been in the shadow of her older sister with the pageants and whatnot. Carolina was a Miss Jalisco, you know.

GINGER: Did you ever try out for pageants?

SALLY: Oh no, never. Carolina’s the pretty one, Alba’s the smart one, I’m the organized one who knows how to cook.

GINGER: You don’t think you’re pretty?

SALLY: Oh, I’m alright, I guess. But not pageant-pretty. Besides, I wouldn’t want to have to wear a bikini in public like that.

GINGER: Yeah, me neither. What about Betty, do you get along with her?

SALLY: Well… Betty has very good intentions. Y’know, she has 6 grown children, and loads of grandchildren and even great-grandchildren now, and that mama bear instinct is very strong. I know she’s not fond of Mr. White or Mr. Browne, but I think she’s a lot like Alba in that they both just want the best for me and for Paris and Atlanta and the other girls around here. So… even when I don’t agree with Betty, I know her heart’s in the right place.

GINGER: What would your abuelita call her?

SALLY: Oh… well…

(After a moment or two of stalling, Sally mumbles the real answer.)

SALLY: Puta pendeja, probably.

GINGER: Sounds about right.

SALLY: You’re not putting that in the video, I hope?

GINGER: No, of course not.

(We’re watching the video. She put all that shit in.)

SALLY: Oh, good. And the bit about Mr. Browne, too?

GINGER: Don’t worry. So, do you see yourself still working at Starboard Sound longterm?

SALLY: Sure, why not? It’s a fun workplace and I think I have a good handle on everything going on. Besides, Mr. White relies on me to keep his schedule running smoothly.

GINGER: Isn’t that more of a personal assistant thing than a studio receptionist thing?

SALLY: I suppose so, but I don’t mind. It needs to be done and I can do it. Besides, there’s not a whole lot to the receptionist job. I just answer the phones, say “I’m sorry, he can’t come to the phone right now,” take a message, and add it to the pile for the guys to ignore.

GINGER: Do they do that often?

SALLY: Oh yes. So much so that Mr. Johnston has told me to not even take any messages for him unless it’s Mrs. Johnston calling, and she only ever calls if it’s a dire emergency, like the time one of the kids broke an arm on a ski vacation or the time last July that Bono was coming to visit them and Mrs. Johnston thought it was rude to make him get his own limo from the airport instead of having Mr. Johnston pick him up personally… or the time Mrs. Johnston’s credit card got denied at Cartier and she needed him to call Visa immediately to raise the limit yet another $50,000.

GINGER: Wait, wait, wait… You mean Martin actually left the studio once? To get Bono?

When Nick’s away, Martin invites Bono to hang out and drink Nick’s beer.

SALLY: No, he told Mrs. Johnston he would, but then he handed me the keys to his Ferrari and waved me along. He would have sent Jason, but Jason was out on caddy duty for Mr. White’s father.

GINGER: What did Nick say about you going?

(Sally laughs nervously and gets all squirrelly.)

SALLY: Oh, um… well, y’know… I mean, Mr. White does not like Bono, so… um… I asked Paris to come over and keep Mr. White busy for a few hours while I ran an errand for Mr. Johnston. And, and… fortunately, she had some spare time. She’s very helpful.

GINGER: So… what’s Bono like?

SALLY: Oh, he’s such a nice gentleman. Alba’s a huge fan, so I asked him if he would be so kind as to sign an autograph for her, and he was happy to do so. He even insisted we pick her up for lunch when he found out her accounting firm does a lot of work with offshore assets in Panama and the Caribbean. It was wonderful. It meant so much for Alba to have her favorite singer hanging on her every word, especially on such a boring topic as local tax loopholes.

GINGER: Did Nick ever find out?

SALLY: Oh, I’ve told Mr. White several times that Alba is an expert on shell companies and offshore asset protection, but Mr. White’s very old-fashioned when it comes to finances. He insists only men accountants can be trusted with that sort of thing.

GINGER: I meant that you met his arch-rival.

(More nervous laughter and twitching.)

SALLY: Oh… well, so… I dropped Bono off at Mr. Johnston’s mansion and apologized profusely to Mrs. Johnston on Mr. Johnston’s behalf… see, she was angry that he hadn’t gone to pick Bono up himself, and… and then I had Mr. Johnston’s Ferrari detailed on the way back to the studio. Anyway, when I got back, y’know, to the studio, then Mr. White did come up behind me, demanded to know where I’d been, sniffed me, and insisted he could smell something Irish on me, but… but I assured him I’d only been at Luigi’s so… so… so, he assumed Pádraig… well… I mean, better he think that than… well…

GINGER: Did you?

SALLY: No! Pádraig and I are just friends. Besides, Alba really likes him and even though I’m her sister, she would murder me!

GINGER: I meant did you sleep with Bono?


GINGER: Really? But Nick thought he could smell Bono on you!

SALLY: Look, he was sitting between me and Alba in the restaurant. That’s all.

GINGER: You weren’t tempted?

SALLY: Nothing happened!


SALLY: Can you just cut the whole thing about Bono out along with the pinche joto and the puta pendeja and the joto chigado bits? I don’t want Mr. White to get the wrong idea.

Nick White, getting the wrong idea about Sally again.

GINGER: Sure, sure… but why would he get the wrong idea?

SALLY: I told you nothing happened.

GINGER: Right.

SALLY: I have a boyfriend.

GINGER: Right.

SALLY: I just wouldn’t want Mr. White to think something did happen, because it didn’t. I’m not that kind of girl.

GINGER: Exactly.

SALLY: And I don’t want Mr. White to get the wrong impression.

GINGER: Of course not. I mean, you and Nick have worked together for years now, you know him, he knows you…

SALLY: What’s that supposed to mean?

GINGER: Nothing! I just mean, surely he can trust you, and he knows your character.

SALLY: Yes, he does! And I don’t like your implication!

GINGER: What implication? I just mean that–

SALLY: I am not a homewrecking tramp!

GINGER: I never said you were!

SALLY: I don’t sleep with married men!

As you can see, Sally does not sleep with married men. She doesn’t even try… of course, other activities not involving literal sleeping are another matter.

GINGER: I never said you did!

SALLY: I don’t appreciate your snide implication that I know Nick White in any manner aside from a purely professional one!

GINGER: I didn’t–

SALLY: I think we’re done here!

(Sally storms out of the live room and slams the door behind her.)

GINGER: Wow… someone sure got a taste of Bono’s Irish cream.