Meet Paris Cartwright

Note from April 2023: I intended to get all these interviews with music “journalist” Ginger Babczak shot and posted before getting into the real skits of the show, but it didn’t pan out that way and only the first two in the series with Nick and Pádraig ended up getting made. So, rather than drag it out when the show’s been underway for over a year now, or spend time on shooting and editing these old interviews rather than new skits, I decided to just post them as text.

Basically: some background info and extra jokes on the characters. And I backdated these to when they were scheduled to appear originally.

Why no commentary from Nick and Sally on these interviews, unlike the videos? Well… you really think Nick can read? LOL…

Enjoy… I hope… and of course the standard show disclaimer applies…

(As usual, we are in the live room of Studio 4 at Nick White‘s Starboard Sound recording studio. Ginger sits on a cushy chair facing Paris on a sofa… waiting for Paris to finish texting. Finally Paris notices the video camera and waves.)

PARIS: Hi Mom! I’m on TV!

GINGER: Actually, it’s for YouTube.


GINGER: But you can still send the link to your mom.

PARIS: Yeah, I don’t think my mom’s all that thrilled with me doing any sort of internet video shit.

GINGER: But millions of people watch YouTube!

PARIS: Millions of people watch PornHub, too, but that didn’t impress Mom any.

GINGER: You have a channel on PornHub?

PARIS: Well, not a channel, but there have been several sex tapes that somehow got uploaded there.

GINGER: Like by your exes? That’s terrible!

PARIS: Tell me about it. Bastards didn’t give me any of the monetization.


PARIS: How many times I gotta tell these assholes “you can film it but I want half if you post it”? Gawd…

GINGER: Wow. That’s awful!

PARIS: I know! And I’m being very generous with the 50/50 split offer, really I should be getting all of it. No one watches PornHub to see some dude’s hairy ass. Well, I mean, some people do, but then they wouldn’t be watching my videos.

GINGER: Right.

PARIS: I wonder if Kim K got half for her sex tape. I mean, she certainly got way more publicity out of it than I got from my videos.

GINGER: Um, yeah…

PARIS: I wonder what it costs to hire Kim K’s publicist.

GINGER: Probably a lot.

PARIS: Damn it. I need some rich sucker to pay to hire me that publicist.

GINGER: Right… well… in the meantime…

PARIS: And there’s no sense in asking Nick White, that sonofabitch is a cheap motherfucker and too many dumb sluts will fuck him for free and that fucks me over.

GINGER: Yeah, he does seem to have a long line of groupies.

PARIS: And that asshole Pádraig is a cheap fuck too. He has money, y’know.

GINGER: I heard, yeah.

PARIS: But I’ll be fucked if he’ll share any.

GINGER: He doesn’t seem the sharing type, no.

PARIS: And forget about my boss Luigi. Jesus… What’s the point of working for a Sicilian mobster if you can’t get him to pay you anything?

GINGER: Right…

PARIS: They paid Marilyn Monroe, didn’t they?

GINGER: Well, that’s the rumor.

PARIS: Well, she’s dead and I’m alive but they don’t give me my due at all.

GINGER: She was a movie star, though.

PARIS: I’m trying to get acting gigs!

GINGER: What have you auditioned for lately?

PARIS: Deep Throat #2372, Naughty Kindergarten Teachers #58, Strippers Gone Wild #91: Revenge of the Pole Holes

GINGER: What about actual movies?

PARIS: Those are actual movies.

GINGER: I meant, of the non-pornographic variety.

PARIS: I’ve sent out a thousand headshots to casting directors.

GINGER: And did you hear back from any?

PARIS: One guy from Warner Brothers said “we appreciate your talents as evidenced in the photo, but we really can’t see your face between your hair and that dude’s hips.”

GINGER: Um… you do know what they mean when they say “headshot” right?

PARIS: Of course I know what they mean. I’ve heard all about the casting couch.

GINGER: Yeah, but that part comes after they see a photo of your face.

PARIS: I sent them photos of my face.

GINGER: Without a dick in the way?

PARIS: Yes. I told the dude to take the photo after he finished and he did.


PARIS: Some dude from Dreamworks said “We appreciate your enthusiasm and knowledge of the requirements of the position but we regret to inform you that Mr. Geffen doesn’t like girls.”

GINGER: Oh. Have you tried live theatre?

PARIS: What do you think I’m doing at Luigi’s every night?

GINGER: OK… um… so… tell me about your coworker Atlanta.

PARIS: That stuck up cunt thinks she’s better than the rest of us just because she spends her money on organic wheat germ instead of Jimmy Choo shoes.

Paris and Atlanta arguing, as per usual.

GINGER: So you and Atlanta don’t get along?

PARIS: What? No, no, no… I love her like a sister!

GINGER: Oh, that’s good.

PARIS: Of course, my sister Savannah is a stuck up cunt who thinks she’s better than the rest of us just because she won Miss Canazuela and married some hedge fund asshole in New York and got to move to a big house in Connecticut.

GINGER: Oh, I see.

PARIS: Gawd, I hate her… anyway, so this is going on YouTube?


PARIS: Do they allow nudity on YouTube?

GINGER: I dunno.

PARIS: Well, just in case…

(Paris stands up in front of the camera and flashes her tits at it.)


PARIS: You want more than that, boys, you’d better buy me stuff.

GINGER: Okay…, can we get back to the interview?

PARIS: Sure. Where were we?

GINGER: So you love Atlanta like your sister, you don’t care for Pádraig, Nick is a cheap bastard… how do you get along with Betty?

PARIS: Betty’s a nosy bitch, but she does have a lot of good advice.

GINGER: Like what?

PARIS: Like when she said for me to tell dudes I’m working my way through college. That shit really works. I made twice as much in tips that week.

GINGER: You only kept it up a week?

PARIS: Yeah, cause then the guys started trying to ask me what I was studying and then they were trying to ask me questions about it and mentioning all these old Greek geezers like I was supposed to know who Aris… Erin Stobble is or whatever.

GINGER: Right.

PARIS: Or all these Italian geezers. Like, hello? The only Italians I give a shit about are Dolce and Gabbana! Well, Prada too, but their shit’s ugly, you really only want Prada so you can rub it in some other bitch’s face that you got some sucker to buy that overpriced crap for you.

GINGER: Um… right…

PARIS: And this one asshole kept talking to me about Michealangelo and I told him I don’t give a shit about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, those are for nerd losers like my cousin Dave.

GINGER: Yeah, I never got into that show either.

PARIS: It’s so dumb, right? And turtles are gross – you can get diseases from them! You shouldn’t be, like, sharing pizza with a turtle, you’ll get food poisoning and shit yourself.

GINGER: Totally.

PARIS: And believe me, the only time you want to shit yourself is if you’re in Dubai and some pervy sheik is paying you to.

(Paris pauses, realizing what she just accidentally admitted to and is mortified, quickly looking to backpedal.)

PARIS: I mean, so I heard. I’ve never been to Dubai. But I’ve heard rumors.

GINGER: That is so gross.

PARIS: Oh, for sure. I mean, based on what I heard, yes.

GINGER: Moving on… so, your strip club is right next to Starboard Sound. How do you get along with the crew from there?

PARIS: Ugh… Nick’s so gross, he’s just awful… but on the other hand, I hear he’s headed for yet another divorce and he’s got a pretty good pre-nup so he’s still gonna be loaded afterwards. Plus, he’s like, a million years old; he’s gotta keel over sooner or later and make some lucky bitch a gazillionaire. Might as well be me! So… I make nice with the prick whenever I can.


PARIS: Getting real sick of him asking when I’m gonna grow some tits, though. Maybe he oughta buy me some if it’s so goddamn important to him.

GINGER: Right… well, what about Richard Browne?

PARIS: Eww… gross! I’d rather go back to Dubai than fuck Richard! Er, I mean, I’d rather go to Dubai for the first time ever. Because I’ve never been to Dubai. Ever.

GINGER: I see.

PARIS: Really. Never.

GINGER: OK. Um… do you get along with Jason?


GINGER: Jason, from the studio?

(Paris stares blankly at Ginger.)


GINGER: He’s, uh, he’s kinda tall, has glasses and a man-bun… um…

PARIS: Man-bun… Oh, you mean that dork who’s always coming over to get the geezer’s weed from Atlanta?

GINGER: Ah, so you’re not a fan?

PARIS: No! That poor-ass loser once asked me if he could get a lap dance for five dollars. Uh, no? Get a job, get a trust fund, or get out of my face, dumbass. Ugh. Gross.

GINGER: I guess Nick needs to up his salary.

PARIS: Yeah, good luck with that.

GINGER (sighing): Well, what about Sally?

PARIS: Ugh… Can’t stand her. She and Atlanta are pals. The Stuck Up Cunt Twins, I call them. But, she does let me know when Ol’ Money Bags is bored and in need of attention, so I guess there’s that.


PARIS: I don’t trust her, though. Lil’ miss holier-than-thou “I have a boyfriend” is clearly out to get the geezer’s money for herself. Fucking greedy bitch.