The Nick White Show: “Nick’s MFA Project”

From the video description:

Inspired by a recent “artistic collaboration” video put out by his arch-rival, Nick’s made a “rather arty and innovative” new music video… but for some reason his manager doesn’t seem to approve.

Nick and Sally’s commentary:

“I don’t know why Suzy didn’t like the new music video, Sally. It was absolutely brilliant.”
“Er, yes, Mr. White.”
“What? Don’t you agree?”
“Um, well… it’s just that I don’t really understand modern art, Mr. White.”
“Oh, what’s to understand? You just make something vulgar and if anyone says they don’t like it, you call them an uncultured buffoon.”
“And if someone says they do like it?”
“Then you charge them $12 million for it, love.”
“Oh. I see.”

Music credits

I used an instrumental mix of a track from my back catalog from my old maQLu project called “Au Revoir, Goodbye Little Whore.” I can’t remember if I have it up anywhere as a free download currently as I was unsatisfied with the original lyrics and wanted to redo the song, but there’s a bunch of other free maQLu downloads available.

Transcript (ie, spoiler alert)

(We are in the strippers’ changeroom at Lucky Luigi’s. Nick is passed out facedown on the coffee table. Zosime enters and glares at him.)

ZOSIME: Get up, asshole, we need to talk.

NICK: (mumbling in his sleep): Mmph… use more tongue, love.

ZOSIME: Pfft! Dream on, scumbag!

(She kicks him in the ass, waking him up.)

NICK: Ugh, bloody hell… I was dreaming about a young Barbara Eden showing me the inside of her, er, bottle.

ZOSIME: Well, you would be the expert in crawling up into a bottle… too bad you seem to be immune to alcohol poisoning.

NICK: Huh?

(He turns to see Zosime.)

NICK: Oh, Suzy, it’s you! Have you seen my new music video?

ZOSIME: My name is not Suzy, you moron! It’s Zosime… You sent me some vile video footage of your filthy cum sock.

NICK: Yes, exactly, Suzy! Rather artsy and innovative, don’t you think?

(Zosime sits down at Atlanta’s vanity, seething and looking into the mirror instead of at Nick as much as possible.)

ZOSIME: Huh… and here I thought only MFAs were deluded enough to think that their bodily waste was worthy of documenting for posterity.

NICK: MFA… er… um…?

ZOSIME: Oh that’s right, you wouldn’t know what an MFA is, being that you never even graduated ninth grade.

NICK: Pfft! Of course I know what an MFA is! It’s er… well… a mega fellatio arselicker? Y’know, one of the really filthy groupies who will do anything for an autograph.

ZOSIME: No, it’s a Master of Fine Arts. Three words you wouldn’t understand if they each gave you syphillis.

NICK: Well, I’ve developed a natural immunity to that, y’know. Anyway, darling, so you liked the video?

ZOSIME: It was absolute disgusting garbage! What on earth would possess you to think the world needed to see that?

NICK: Hmph! Bloody Bono did a video for his new acoustic version of Sunday Bloody Sunday showing some bimbo’s bloody period panties, so I thought fair’s fair.

ZOSIME: What are you talking about?!

NICK: You know, darling, your monthly visitor? I mean, obviously it’s Aunt Flo; surely the mick doesn’t think we’re so stupid to believe his dong is big enough to cause that kind of carnage. He’s not bloody Tommy Lee.

ZOSIME: So every time Bono does something retarded, you have to follow suit?

NICK: Well, obviously! I can do a much better job of it!

ZOSIME: Note to self: call U2’s manager and get them to put out rumors that Bono swims with hungry sharks, skydives without a parachute, and lights himself on fire every Friday night.

NICK: What’s that, love? He’s got the ol’ burning bush? Y’know, the best thing for that is good ol’ cheap tetracycline from the aquarium store.

ZOSIME: Gross. Goes well with your usual diet of horse tranquilizers.

(Nick has gotten up from the floor and is standing behind Zosime, pawing at her.)

NICK: Yes, exactly! I learned that tip from one of the chaps in Guns N Roses.

(Zosime stands up to shove Nick away from her as he talks.)

Nick: Er… what’s the tall skinny one? Dave? Oh, it doesn’t matter, he’s just the lowly bassist, after all.