Joanne White

The Nick White Show: “Marriage Counselling”

From the video description:

It’s that time of year again, when Nick and Joanne pretend like they’re actually gonna try to get along and communicate. For realsies this time. Just like every other year.

(Meanwhile their marriage counsellor is probably thinking he should have opened a surf shop in Stoner Beach instead of getting his degree… just like every other year…)

Nick and Sally’s commentary:

“Was it a productive counselling session, Mr. White?”
“Oh God, no, love. It was an hour of Mrs. White sitting around talking about herself and complaining… and if that wasn’t bad enough, at the end of it I had to pay the dork in the glasses $250.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Ugh… If I wanted to hear a vapid narcissist talk about themselves, I’d go hang out at the Rainbow Bar and Grill in Los Angeles where all my idiot rockstar friends hold court. At least then I’d be drunk.”
“Yes, Mr. White.”
“And there’d be loads of cocaine to pass the time til they shut up so I could talk about myself for the rest of the night.”
“Yes, Mr. White.”
“Bloody Sebastian Bach keeps talking about the time he was on the cover of Rolling Stone in gold leather pants. Pfft! Well who wasn’t on the cover of Rolling Stone in leather pants back in the day?”
“Yes, Mr. White.”
“Quit interrupting, Sally.”
“OK, Mr. White.”

Read moreThe Nick White Show: “Marriage Counselling”

The Nick White Show: “When Nick’s Away…”

From the video description:

It’s been weeks since anyone’s seen Nick around the studio or the strip club. Theories about his whereabouts abound but it falls to Atlanta to solve the mystery of whatever happened to her best client.

Nick and Sally’s commentary:

“Brilliant, Sally! I bet that bloody mick never suspected you were going to rub him down with poison ivy essential oil!”
“Poison ivy oil? Oh… um… [nervous laughter] right, Mr. White. He… um… he sure didn’t.”
“Good girl! Serves him right for getting his stupid autobiography finished and on the bestseller list before mine.”
“Er… yes, Mr. White.”
“Speaking of which, have you finished mine yet?”
“Oh, um… no, Mr. White. I’m still working on it.”
“Alright, have it done by Friday.”
“I’ll try my best, Mr. White.”
“By the way, love: do you have any of that poison ivy oil left?”
“Huh? Oh… um… no, Mr. White.”
“Where did you buy it?”
“Well… I… um… I don’t… um…”
“I think it would be jolly good fun to swap Mrs. White‘s massage oil with some of that for the next time she has a session with that personal trainer of hers.”
“Oh, well, I’ll see what I can whip up this afternoon, Mr. White.”
“Fantastic!”

Read moreThe Nick White Show: “When Nick’s Away…”

The Nick White Show: “The Slap”

From the video description:

Nick just wants to read (or at least look at the pictures in) the latest issue of Hot Yacht Action before bedtime, but his wife Joanne ambushes him with some pesky questions inspired by the infamous Oscar slap.

Nick and Sally’s commentary:

“My God, Sally, what a bloody nightmare to film this one. I was stuck in bed with Mrs. White for almost 2 weeks waiting for that awful woman who runs this show to get her shit together and finish filming.”
“Hmph!”
“I know! I thought I’d never get away and be free to bang bimbos again!”
“Hmph!”
“What’s the matter, love?”
“Nothing, Mr. White.”
“Did you miss me around the studio when I was gone?”
“Well… I mean…”
“Aww… anyway, Sally, was there any good gossip while I was away filming?”
“Bono won another prestigious prize. The Fulbright prize for International Understanding.”
“Hmph! How dare he! I should have won that instead!”
“But it’s an international relations prize, Mr. White.”
“Yes, well, I’ve had plenty of international relations. In fact, I’ve had relations in over 120 nations around the planet. Nobody’s had more international relations than me! Not even Gene Simmons!”
“Yes, Mr. White.”
“Bad enough I had to spend two weeks in bed with Mrs. White, but Bono stole another award from me while I was imprisoned? Goddamn it! Sally, write these awful Fulbright people a nasty letter admonishing them for not giving that prize to me instead!”
“Right away, Mr. White.”

Read moreThe Nick White Show: “The Slap”

The Nick White Show: “Paddy’s Day” (skit)

From the video description:

This week Nick is a bit confused about why Pádraig was drunk last week, as well as still being sore over his poker losings.

Nick and Sally’s commentary:

“Sally, what day is it today?”
“Tuesday, Mr. White.”
“Bloody Hell… did I forget to show up to that nasty showrunner woman‘s filming thing?”
“No, Mr. White, she got the footage she needed.”
“Hmm… I don’t remember any of it. I was at the boobie bar and Pádraig ordered a bottle of whisky and the next thing it’s this morning and I’m naked in my office, with 5 angry voicemails from my accountant and some woman’s lipstick all over my nether regions… must have been a good weekend!”

Read moreThe Nick White Show: “Paddy’s Day” (skit)